The Ultimate Healer

A small, very tiny sort of conversation took place between a friend and me this evening.  On opposite sides of the country, we used our written word to express dear love and devotion to one another.  I sat on the back patio of this quaint urban cottage, taking in the final moments of day.  If I stood on my tiptoes, overlooking the grape-vined fence, I could see that strong and powerful city skyline in the near distance.  The noises that arose from this place were everything I ever dreamed, and anything one would think that Seattle sounds like.  The constant whirling of air from planes above and with it their lights.  Horns, faint music, sirens, the language of dogs, and a universal sound of silence mixed within.  A blue moon finally began its climb in the twilight as the sun’s final glow faded on the opposite horizon behind the twinkling skyscrapers.  I am in the city!  I am a city gal.

My housemates stay in Portland tonight.  I am not exactly alone here in this house; two cats rest comfortably on their kitty-kingdoms.  I have music and shamelessly dance around freely in this empty space, dreaming of all things.  I walk through this time of my life, early 20s, with blind faith and vulnerable hope.  Considering myself an open vessel for exploration of the pure unknown.  As it is, I don’t exactly know my spot here quite yet.  Sometimes, when I rise in the morn’, I can’t place my limited logic onto why it is that I am here.  Far beyond working for cash and way past any sense of settlement.  So what is it, then?  Define, define, define!  Well, it’s not just about what’s “fun, free, and trendy”, this is about fulfilling a call.  The call to be me.  And I feel, through what inspires me, that I am to pass on that light to something beyond my comprehension.  This has nothing to do with religion and everything to do with what is undoubtedly divine by my own definition.  Repurposing what is a prophet and renaming miracles to fit the modern bill.  I create my own way of moving through this life despite the opinions given by those in fear, those in humility, and those who do not self-examine enough to give it. 

It’s so bare.  My agenda does not exist.  And it seems very vast because of my approach.  But I choose everything for my life with a purpose.  Even in moments that happen without my wanting, I can always control my reaction and guide myself accordingly.  People ask me if I am afraid doing what I am.  No.  I don’t obey to fear – fear is in the mind and I have learned how to better navigate through it.  I am very vulnerable, yes!  I don’t know much at all.  And not knowing can be tiring.  But being afraid is the ultimate drain in the sink of life.  That is something I learned, it doesn’t come naturally to me.  My mother, yes, she was the one.  My mother, yes, she has always been the one.  She taught me this, along with many things, and has so much to do with why I am even here beyond my moment of birth. 

My mother, to me, is more real than Jesus.  Her lessons were always relevant and personal.  Her blonde baby turned out to be very wild, even as a young little lass.  I was quiet and thought a lot.  I stayed in my mind often and she quickly learned it was hard for me to ever do what everyone else was doing.  My stubborn nature to stay true to myself certainly was no walk in the park for two parents.  But they so graciously and patiently allowed me to freely express myself.  When I was a fresh teen I went through a depression like Joni Mitchell’s “Blue”.  In the night I took paint to my walls and with my fingers drew pictures of fairytales and beings of imaginary lands.  When most parents would buy a can of paint and call for a doctor, mine silently watched and allowed me to explain what I was experiencing with open minds.  I hung portraits of rockstars and posters of New York City in my bedroom.  I said, “Mom … I want to live in the city.  I want to be a rockstar.”  Well, to mama, I was already a rockstar.  And as she watched me squirm in the vortex of my ever-racing mind, she told me fear is not real, and that I must follow my dream. 

Hi, Mom. 

I am here.

Though I don’t know why.  But this indescribable thing that drives me so much … it’s always there.  And now that I am older and recognize this feeling I can see that what it is that pushes me now was that thing I always felt as a child.  I didn’t understand and certainly tried rejecting it when I suffered the isolation of peers.  But I followed it no matter how much it made me feel like a laughable sideshow. 
“Yes, but Anna, where does your value lie?” Mom would say.  “I don’t know, Mom.” And in not knowing, I turned away from the world, and turned to music.  Somehow, I believe it has to do with why I am in this city because everywhere this Great Force has pushed me, it led me to the art of music, always.  And in ways I didn’t know were possible.  It has been the ultimate healer to me.  It has saved my life.  And as I sit here, greatly reflecting on what I have just done with my life, for reasons unknown to me, I think it is becoming even clearer than before what I owe myself to.  All of the natural human questions and concerns hardly affect me at all. 

I just think…
Oh, I just know…
My life will take me there.

The Science Of A Dream

You have everything to do

With all the things surrounding you

And even if you don't have much,

Go ahead and live as such

I have little to my name

Ain't got fortune, zero fame

But I see me everywhere

So in ways, I'm really there

See, perfection's just a thought

Right and wrong, ya know, is taught

But there's no limit to your sky

All is yours, you have to try!

Now please listen as I say

In your dreams you'll find a way

But be wise in what you choose

Gaining lies can make you lose 

You can chase after the cash,

Diamond rings, a perfect ass

And you'll get all of those things!

But those moments are just flings

Make it simple in your ways

Take your time within your days

Journey toward the greater good

Though you'll be misunderstood

Hear advice if it sits well

But the rest can go to hell

If it's not in-line with you,

Do the things you know to do

It takes patience, it takes time

(Sometimes shitty means like dimes)

Close your eyes and picture now

All your dreams without the "how's"

If you do this when you can

You will soon then understand

That there's science to "the dream"

You will find out what I mean

Ain't no secret to my game

You and I are just the same

But there's one that gives a shit

And the other who will quit 

You may not get love from kin

And there's those that say you sin

But these things come when you choose

That there's nothing left lose

I will tell you what I hear

Just some words of those in fear

I'm not bitter, I don't hate 

Let me just ... extrapolate ...

"You're an 'artist?' Oh, dear Lord!

Go to school, you are be bored! 

Get a job and pay your bills

Think those dreams will buy you meals?!" 

"You're a terrible new aunt!  

That position you should flaunt! 

Family values must come first

You are dense and surely cursed."

"Do you think you're really great

Leaving all to chase your "fate"?

Do you want some fucking prize?  

What, you think we're mesmerized?"

"Oh yes, I was once your age

Full of rock n roll and rage

But one day you will grow up

So naive, you're just a pup."

"All those thoughts within your head

Are illusive, you'll be dead!

Or at least upon the streets

Where the pimps and hookers meet"

So yeah, those are just a few

Did I ... wait ... did I lose you?

Maybe roll yourself a joint

Then we'll get right to the point

Point is this - just let it go

Please, I beg you, LET IT FLOW! 

All the lies you must abort 

Thank the ones that do support

These are people who can see

All that you can really be

And they know what's in your heart

They've encouraged from the start

If there's no one in your life

By your side like Barney Fife 

Make it quiet ... not a sound

In the silence it is found

Where it lives is deep inside

Though it's shy and likes to hide

It will tell you what to do

This faint whisper, dear, is you

So release your gripping hands

Start to take your own commands

For your future lies, (I'm told),

Far beyond the Yellow Brick Road

Birth, Me

Awakening

I am changing my view

of what is the 

Final Frontier 

Patience, My Friend

never jump the gun

in races that you run

though patience isn't fun

the waiting must be done 

Trevor

His name was Trevor

And he loved little needles

His black dog ran for miles

And she loved little beetles

And together they swam

In Pacific Ocean lands

Oh and they knew nothing of discipline

His family phoned to him,
“Son, Buddha’s calling you home,

And we don’t wanna have to worry.”

But he said,
“Mom, I’ve grown up in a hurry.”

He had gone to the West

To confess all of his worried mind

You could hear him cry

Through broken smiles

And play and sing

For miles and miles

Tah, nah-nah, nah

Tah, nah-nah, nah

Tah, nah-nah, nah 

And, ohh, this young man

He loved the night

He loved Kurt Cobain

And he thought it would be nice

To take his advice

So one night

Trevor took his life

The Call Of Youth

It’s just so sad

So we pretend

That this right here

It not the end

That all the songs

Of which we hear

Are not predicting

What is near

And you and I

Will always be

That I to you

And you to me

But every dawn

To every dusk

My dreams do tell me

What I must

So this is why

I pack my things

And answer to

The bell that rings

‘Cause ever since

I was a lass

I knew this norm

Would never last

And I felt ghosts

And fogs and mists

Like silver backs

Within the midst

Just like a voice

It spoke to me

And told me what

I had to be

I saw the truth

Within my peers

I faced the lies

I faced my fears

And even though

I still get scared

I’ve given time

To be prepared

Yes, we will cry

I don’t make sense

But I must live

In present tense

And what my heart

Is telling me

Is, “Walk on through,

It’s time to leave.”

So this is me

I’ll never stay

It really seems

I’m born this way

But I will love you

All my days

Within my sparse

And flighty ways

Good bye

Good bye

I have to go

And be what I

Have always known

The Run Along

i'm sorry that it ends this way

i'm sorry that it goes this way

of what way, well, I just don't know

the way i never wished it'd go

THE FEATURE: Allen

oh boy I sure don't seem to need the sleep these days and nights

I'm glad that while I am awake

you know

when the night is at its darkest

and all the good people of the world have their eyes shut

i have a cutie to keep me company

sharing songs of Marina & The Diamonds

sharing laughs and cigarettes

dreaming of our final party

how we'd drink wine as if living the apocalypse 

and dancing together

forever, forever

i've been so fortunate

to work with this stud

and call him my friend;

Allen

pleasure to shoot you,

m'dear

Morning to Mouring

Morning of a meditation

Morning of a masturbation

Morning of our civil union

Morning of my love

Morning of a destitution

Morning of a prostitution

Morning of our silver lining

Morning of a dove

Morning of a revelation

Morning of a concentration

Morning of our hyper tension

Morning of our hate

Mourning of a true relation

Mourning of a sweet sensation

Mourning of our ideal bondage

Mourning of our fate

Series: 360