The Ultimate Healer

A small, very tiny sort of conversation took place between a friend and me this evening.  On opposite sides of the country, we used our written word to express dear love and devotion to one another.  I sat on the back patio of this quaint urban cottage, taking in the final moments of day.  If I stood on my tiptoes, overlooking the grape-vined fence, I could see that strong and powerful city skyline in the near distance.  The noises that arose from this place were everything I ever dreamed, and anything one would think that Seattle sounds like.  The constant whirling of air from planes above and with it their lights.  Horns, faint music, sirens, the language of dogs, and a universal sound of silence mixed within.  A blue moon finally began its climb in the twilight as the sun’s final glow faded on the opposite horizon behind the twinkling skyscrapers.  I am in the city!  I am a city gal.

My housemates stay in Portland tonight.  I am not exactly alone here in this house; two cats rest comfortably on their kitty-kingdoms.  I have music and shamelessly dance around freely in this empty space, dreaming of all things.  I walk through this time of my life, early 20s, with blind faith and vulnerable hope.  Considering myself an open vessel for exploration of the pure unknown.  As it is, I don’t exactly know my spot here quite yet.  Sometimes, when I rise in the morn’, I can’t place my limited logic onto why it is that I am here.  Far beyond working for cash and way past any sense of settlement.  So what is it, then?  Define, define, define!  Well, it’s not just about what’s “fun, free, and trendy”, this is about fulfilling a call.  The call to be me.  And I feel, through what inspires me, that I am to pass on that light to something beyond my comprehension.  This has nothing to do with religion and everything to do with what is undoubtedly divine by my own definition.  Repurposing what is a prophet and renaming miracles to fit the modern bill.  I create my own way of moving through this life despite the opinions given by those in fear, those in humility, and those who do not self-examine enough to give it. 

It’s so bare.  My agenda does not exist.  And it seems very vast because of my approach.  But I choose everything for my life with a purpose.  Even in moments that happen without my wanting, I can always control my reaction and guide myself accordingly.  People ask me if I am afraid doing what I am.  No.  I don’t obey to fear – fear is in the mind and I have learned how to better navigate through it.  I am very vulnerable, yes!  I don’t know much at all.  And not knowing can be tiring.  But being afraid is the ultimate drain in the sink of life.  That is something I learned, it doesn’t come naturally to me.  My mother, yes, she was the one.  My mother, yes, she has always been the one.  She taught me this, along with many things, and has so much to do with why I am even here beyond my moment of birth. 

My mother, to me, is more real than Jesus.  Her lessons were always relevant and personal.  Her blonde baby turned out to be very wild, even as a young little lass.  I was quiet and thought a lot.  I stayed in my mind often and she quickly learned it was hard for me to ever do what everyone else was doing.  My stubborn nature to stay true to myself certainly was no walk in the park for two parents.  But they so graciously and patiently allowed me to freely express myself.  When I was a fresh teen I went through a depression like Joni Mitchell’s “Blue”.  In the night I took paint to my walls and with my fingers drew pictures of fairytales and beings of imaginary lands.  When most parents would buy a can of paint and call for a doctor, mine silently watched and allowed me to explain what I was experiencing with open minds.  I hung portraits of rockstars and posters of New York City in my bedroom.  I said, “Mom … I want to live in the city.  I want to be a rockstar.”  Well, to mama, I was already a rockstar.  And as she watched me squirm in the vortex of my ever-racing mind, she told me fear is not real, and that I must follow my dream. 

Hi, Mom. 

I am here.

Though I don’t know why.  But this indescribable thing that drives me so much … it’s always there.  And now that I am older and recognize this feeling I can see that what it is that pushes me now was that thing I always felt as a child.  I didn’t understand and certainly tried rejecting it when I suffered the isolation of peers.  But I followed it no matter how much it made me feel like a laughable sideshow. 
“Yes, but Anna, where does your value lie?” Mom would say.  “I don’t know, Mom.” And in not knowing, I turned away from the world, and turned to music.  Somehow, I believe it has to do with why I am in this city because everywhere this Great Force has pushed me, it led me to the art of music, always.  And in ways I didn’t know were possible.  It has been the ultimate healer to me.  It has saved my life.  And as I sit here, greatly reflecting on what I have just done with my life, for reasons unknown to me, I think it is becoming even clearer than before what I owe myself to.  All of the natural human questions and concerns hardly affect me at all. 

I just think…
Oh, I just know…
My life will take me there.