This morning Sabrina and I went to the bakery down the road for a pastry. I got a nut-hearty scone and small
coffee. I believe the scone was on
the “healthier” side of the scale in terms of pastries. It was delicious but I only enjoyed two
bites before saving the rest in my bag for a time I might be hungrier. My appetite wasn’t strong and I knew I
might enjoy it the next morning. I finished the coffee. Naturally.
We drove to a waterfall that powerfully fell between rocks and trees, showing me the beauty of a different part of this city. As we drove there we were surrounded by lots of gorgeous greens that grew tall beneath the gray Seattle sky. I enjoyed the overcast and cooler weather today.
I wore a blue-gray onesy : spaghetti-strap top connected to matching shorts. I bought it yesterday. Underneath were silver-gray tights, gray wool socks, and my leather hiking boots. I suppose I subconsciously intended to match the sky and scenery around me. Light on the makeup. No shower. Grunge and chill.
The little area where the falls were reminded me a lot of the Blue Ridge Mountains, the mountains that have won my heart during the past ten years. Very “cabin-friendly”, holding small convenience stores and lodge-like buildings. So cute. The city seems to have everything I love – urban life, surrounding water, woods, and mountains. Don’t forget those mountains!
I slept 14 hours last night. I ended up passing out due to a “drugged” feeling and snoozed until mid-morning. I had plenty of energy to continue on with the day. It was Sunday and I love my Sundays. We drove to Fremont, passing a large “troll” carved into stone under a bridge. Eerie and delightful. We tasted all sorts of free samples of organic dark chocolate at a chocolate store. Despite my lack of appetite, I enjoyed it.
Afterward we walked to the Vintage Mall, which was a major highlight. Jam-packed with all sorts of artifacts from various decades. Oh me, oh my! Right up my alley. I could have stayed in there for hours and bought everything they had. I knew I wanted more time in there than we’d get for today so I purposefully didn’t look too hard to avoid getting attached. I did buy one thing, though, amongst all the records, shoes, clothes, glasses, furniture, and knick-knacks – a book of lost writings by Jim Morrison.
$7.00
Short little writings. I love it.
One of the many things Patti Smith and I have in common is our love, admiration, and appreciation for Jim. The book was a must and came in perfect timing. I didn’t want to part from the store for my imagination went wild searching through what many would consider junk. I left a pair of vintage glasses that were $15.00. I only wanted to leave with one item today and it had to be the book. I cannot wait to return tomorrow to purchase trinkets for myself and for people that I love whom will also appreciate such things. I will take the #28 bus from downtown because I will not have a car. I intend to buy stamps and postcards while close to Pike Place Market … my little haven on the shore.
We finished the day at a vegan restaurant in Fremont that was utterly delicious. Michele and I split each other’s dishes. Both sandwiches. I liked hers best. Oh … and sweet potato fries. Yum! But I continue not being all that hungry so I saved the remainder of my meal for tomorrow along with my scone.
When we returned home I watched some interviews of Patti Smith that Sarah had sent to me. Ms. Smith has been my guide and godmother on my trip. I continue to get to know my un-met friend. She was and still remains a wild piece of artwork. So wonderfully herself with zero apologies. I feel I am like that in my own way and continue learning how. She helps to teach me.
There is always something to do. Everyone that I have had conversations with that live here tell me the same thing. I explain to them that my home is back East and continue with saying, “I’m thinking of moving here.” But they each do the same thing as I try expressing this. I can only say, “I’m thinking of----“ before they interrupt with … “Do it. Just do it.” They can sense what is in my heart. I like their validation. It’s hard not to already move here in my mind and in many ways I have. And in many ways I already did before I even arrived. So much of my actions at home before now were laced with – “well, this will be the last time I do _____.” Fill in the blank.
It’s odd to be in this weird limbo of not knowing where I belong. I don’t exactly feel like I live here (obviously because I don’t) but home feels just as foreign. What the hell will I do when I actually return? Will it be a major blow? I really anticipate nothing else except the warm but illusive feelings of familiarity. Of course that will be there no matter where you are from. More than anything it frightens me to go back. I have run to every corner of that town like a rat in a cage. There is nowhere else I can escape to. There are only so many times I can drive to the lake in the countryside. All of those streets I’ve ridden on from loneliness, boredom, and lack of fulfillment make me want to hurl. Not just when traveled on but when thought of from my little, wonderfully chilly room here in the city. So many roads here I’ve never met. So many faces and names to get to know. Out of that goddamn Bible-Belt.
I don’t exactly know what I
am looking for other than art.
I’ve done my best to create that for myself in Virginia but with every
aspect of my life there I feel like I’ve done all I can do and this is where my
feeling of dying comes from. I
don’t want to die. I want to
live. Not that I fear death, I am just
thankful for my life. I am
thankful for who I am. I am
discovering this and cherish it.
Sometimes, you know, the biggest changes come from desperation to
survive – in every sense of the word.
And I will freely and openly admit that I am fucking desperate. We drove to a waterfall that powerfully fell between rocks and trees, showing me the beauty of a different part of this city. As we drove there we were surrounded by lots of gorgeous greens that grew tall beneath the gray Seattle sky. I enjoyed the overcast and cooler weather today.
I wore a blue-gray onesy : spaghetti-strap top connected to matching shorts. I bought it yesterday. Underneath were silver-gray tights, gray wool socks, and my leather hiking boots. I suppose I subconsciously intended to match the sky and scenery around me. Light on the makeup. No shower. Grunge and chill.
The little area where the falls were reminded me a lot of the Blue Ridge Mountains, the mountains that have won my heart during the past ten years. Very “cabin-friendly”, holding small convenience stores and lodge-like buildings. So cute. The city seems to have everything I love – urban life, surrounding water, woods, and mountains. Don’t forget those mountains!
I slept 14 hours last night. I ended up passing out due to a “drugged” feeling and snoozed until mid-morning. I had plenty of energy to continue on with the day. It was Sunday and I love my Sundays. We drove to Fremont, passing a large “troll” carved into stone under a bridge. Eerie and delightful. We tasted all sorts of free samples of organic dark chocolate at a chocolate store. Despite my lack of appetite, I enjoyed it.
Afterward we walked to the Vintage Mall, which was a major highlight. Jam-packed with all sorts of artifacts from various decades. Oh me, oh my! Right up my alley. I could have stayed in there for hours and bought everything they had. I knew I wanted more time in there than we’d get for today so I purposefully didn’t look too hard to avoid getting attached. I did buy one thing, though, amongst all the records, shoes, clothes, glasses, furniture, and knick-knacks – a book of lost writings by Jim Morrison.
$7.00
Short little writings. I love it.
One of the many things Patti Smith and I have in common is our love, admiration, and appreciation for Jim. The book was a must and came in perfect timing. I didn’t want to part from the store for my imagination went wild searching through what many would consider junk. I left a pair of vintage glasses that were $15.00. I only wanted to leave with one item today and it had to be the book. I cannot wait to return tomorrow to purchase trinkets for myself and for people that I love whom will also appreciate such things. I will take the #28 bus from downtown because I will not have a car. I intend to buy stamps and postcards while close to Pike Place Market … my little haven on the shore.
We finished the day at a vegan restaurant in Fremont that was utterly delicious. Michele and I split each other’s dishes. Both sandwiches. I liked hers best. Oh … and sweet potato fries. Yum! But I continue not being all that hungry so I saved the remainder of my meal for tomorrow along with my scone.
When we returned home I watched some interviews of Patti Smith that Sarah had sent to me. Ms. Smith has been my guide and godmother on my trip. I continue to get to know my un-met friend. She was and still remains a wild piece of artwork. So wonderfully herself with zero apologies. I feel I am like that in my own way and continue learning how. She helps to teach me.
There is always something to do. Everyone that I have had conversations with that live here tell me the same thing. I explain to them that my home is back East and continue with saying, “I’m thinking of moving here.” But they each do the same thing as I try expressing this. I can only say, “I’m thinking of----“ before they interrupt with … “Do it. Just do it.” They can sense what is in my heart. I like their validation. It’s hard not to already move here in my mind and in many ways I have. And in many ways I already did before I even arrived. So much of my actions at home before now were laced with – “well, this will be the last time I do _____.” Fill in the blank.
It’s odd to be in this weird limbo of not knowing where I belong. I don’t exactly feel like I live here (obviously because I don’t) but home feels just as foreign. What the hell will I do when I actually return? Will it be a major blow? I really anticipate nothing else except the warm but illusive feelings of familiarity. Of course that will be there no matter where you are from. More than anything it frightens me to go back. I have run to every corner of that town like a rat in a cage. There is nowhere else I can escape to. There are only so many times I can drive to the lake in the countryside. All of those streets I’ve ridden on from loneliness, boredom, and lack of fulfillment make me want to hurl. Not just when traveled on but when thought of from my little, wonderfully chilly room here in the city. So many roads here I’ve never met. So many faces and names to get to know. Out of that goddamn Bible-Belt.
I have learned something about myself and about life within the last couple of years. Details do not matter much to me and “being in control of everything” really isn’t the ultimate goal within growth. I have no fucking clue as to how I would create a life for myself out here and it really is OK. The details, like I mentioned, don’t matter in this very moment. I trust life will show me how. All I really know is that I’d like a life out here in the Pacific North West for at least a little while. That’s all I need to get started. And what I also know is that I would like to surround myself with artists so that I can learn from them and share with them. I just want art in my life – period. Not because I feel it is outside of me and need to get to where it is but because I know it is inside of me and want to give birth where it can grow and be nurtured.
I have had the absolute privilege of getting to meet and know some incredible artists from various places this past year. I think about these people while I am here and could cry from the abundance of gratitude for me and for my life taking me to these places and people. I don’t know about spiritual blessings but I do feel goddamn fortunate. They have everything to do with my journey. I love these gifts in my life and look forward to what else and who else will find me on my trail.
I wonder who will join me as I travel.
∆
[What's Playing In My Ear: Black Wave - THE SHINS]
No comments:
Post a Comment